Bittersweet Holidays

"Oh what a Christmas to have the blues."

The Christmas music is in full swing, the lights are blinking, the air smells of pine and apple cinammon, garland decks every bare inch and boxes of surprises are wrapped in pretty paper. It's Christmastime in Syracuse! But I'm still sad.

Come to find, my grandmother (My mom's mother, the sweet one) has ovarian cancer. At least, the doctors are pretty sure. In the meantime, she'll undergo a hysdirectomy followed by chemo. They have no idea at this point how advanced it may or may not be, so there's hope, but also fear. Until we know more, we can only pray. This news has taken me about a week to come to terms with. In such time I've only told my husband and a close friend. I think it's time to just say it. I have mixed hopes and fears looking forward. Ovarian cancer has killed Madeline Kahn and Gilda Radner, and yet 8 years ago when my other grandmother (my dad's mom, the not so nice one) was diagnosed with cancer, the doctor gave her 6 months to live. Yet she still lives on healthy and grouchy as ever. But my grandparents are not as young as they were 8 years ago and the procedures are sure to take a toll on my grandmother's body, whether the remission is successful or not.

At the same time as all this, there is great joy. My son will be able to enjoy Christmas this year, as he begins to comprehend the concept of "wrapped packages = toys for me!". My husband Charlie is also "giving me Christmas" this year, which I can't disclose in detail here but Katy if you call me, I may explain! I'm happy, I'm so happy it's impossible to contain. The Christmas spirit flows through me and I just can't wait to put our tree up.

Yet amongst all the festivities, it hurts. At times I begin to feel that somehow it's wrong to enjoy life while my grandmother's condition remains undetermined. All I can do though, is pray.

~Crys