ARGH! Can't Stop Myself from Thinking!

Nobody calls anymore. I call people because I want to know how they are. I worry about my "friends" and family, but if I don't call, I hear absolutely nothing. My phone never rings. Why do I have it anyway? Sure, there's the internet. The absolute solution to our communication problems! Or so the brochure goes... Nobody really reads my blogs anyway, besides Mo and Gela. Thanks Mo, your card meant the world to me. Lately, with the strange self issues I've been having I just feel that I should give up, stop calling, stop blogging, just stop. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. There are some people who I've always wanted to believe were my friends, but in the end, they don't have room for me in their lives and probably just move on. They can't take a minute to call and see if I'm alive, so why should I? This sounds so damn "pity me" and I hate to sound like that! I'm not supposed to be the complainer! I'm the shoulder to cry on, the friend who listens to any rant and rave with endless patience. And really, I listen! I'm there for anyone who needs me, no questions asked. I might not be of much help, but God only knows that I'll do the best I can for you! So why do I feel so damn expendable?!?! Maybe this is all some sick drama of the middle child (middle of 7, yes I am). Maybe post partum depression is finally kicking in. Maybe I'm just crashing for awhile. Who knows.

I'm so sorry.

Strange Observations and more

I was surfing the usual bookmarks: Blogs of friend and family when I began to notice some strange things.

I love movies about life. My husband enjoys movie about death.

My Dad's entries and comments somehow seem uptight and hypocritical.

Anything coming out of my older brother's mouth or mind seems extremely negative and often succeeds in doing nothing but depressing me or pissing me off.

Somehow, my oldest sister just bothers me. She tried to "befriend" me some years ago, but we're just at seperate places in our lives and she not only failed miserably, but gave up. Since then, I can't seem to stomach her. Looking at the pictures she posts, I somehow feel sick.

My two younger sisters are still very much the bouncy high school age, and anytime I do comment to their posts, I feel like the killjoy of it all. The odd one out, if you will.

Katy's blog is always so fun yet intellectual. I can't seem to organize my thoughts as well as her, so although I'd like to comment, I don't anymore. Not only are her posts well written, but her blg friends always have something great to say, and I feel that I then sound like the high school child among them.

So why do I always feel like the odd one out? This is really bugging me! Eve at work lately, I don't feel much like talking to people. Because even though people talk to me, I feel as if I'm not really the person they want to spend their time with. Therefore, I tend to slink away into my own shadows. I'm having such trouble with conversation lately and it's just not like me! What's wrong with me?!?!